"You Just Won't Do It." Are You Sure?

The homework sits untouched. The email goes unanswered for weeks even though it takes two minutes to send. From the outside, and often the inside, it looks like a choice: “I just won't.” Others may see it as a choice too: “My kid won't do his homework.” Or, said about a partner: “Why won't you just deal with it?” 

But what if it's not “won't”? What if it's “can't,” not without support? 

Won't vs. Can't 

“Won't” implies a decision: you understood the task and chose not to do it. “Can't” points to a breakdown in the process, not the desire. 

Dr. Russell Barkley, who has studied ADHD for 40 years, calls it a disorder of performance, not knowledge: you know what to do, but can't do what you know. This often comes down to three executive functions: task initiation, attention, and working memory. 

What This Can Look Like 

Sitting down to start something due, but stalling every time, is as a result of difficulty with task initiation, not laziness. Meaning to reply to an email, but losing the intention the moment something else grabs your attention, is working memory getting wiped, not carelessness. The same thing happens with the form or the bill that sits in the pile for weeks. A partner often ends up carrying the weight, not from lack of caring, but because the task fell off their working memory before it got done. 

Why This Matters 

Calling it “won't” invites guilt aimed at motivation you already have. But shame doesn't build skills, it shuts you down further. Child psychologist Ross Greene makes a parallel case: challenging behavior shows up when demands outpace skills. This is not a choice, for a child or adult. 

If “my kid won't do his homework” sounds familiar, it's worth asking whether that sentence has ever been said about you too. The same pattern that shows up in a child's homework can show up in a parent's inbox or a partner's pile of paperwork. Same brakes, different task. 

Calling it “can't” invites a better question: what do I need to get this done? 

A smaller first step. A prompt. A timer. Someone nearby for two minutes. Clarity on what “done” looks like. 

Next time “I just won't” comes to mind, about you, your child, or your partner, ask: what part of this is hard right now?

And if you would like further support through coaching…schedule a Q & A with me through this link ➡️ calendly.com/jwaldmancoaching

Don’t forget …Always be kind to yourself on your journey. ♥️